… Hello Allan

Ever since I started to see Dave as just another person, my mind has been unconsciously searching for a new target. And it seems to have latched onto the worst person for me to see differently. One of my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. He broke up with her and she’s never quite gotten over it.

But he’s amazing. He is goofy, smart and a genuinely nice guy. And if that wasn’t enough, he has a Disney pandora station! I mean, come on! He once spent a whole class period just singing Disney songs. If I had to write down my dream guy, that is definitely one of the qualities. Why does he have to come with that baggage?

At the beginning of the year, I had no interest in him. I was wrapped up in Dave and he was just a nice guy. Then we started sitting next to each other. Every day, he talks to me, makes me feel incredible no matter how crummy the day, and helps me when I get confused. He’s sweet and dorky and cute in his own way. And I shouldn’t like him.

I have only a couple of months left in the school year and then we will be separating to different school in different states. The best I can hope for is that we continue to become better friends. And as much as I want to deny that I don’t like him any more than as a friend, this ache in my chest, knowing that I won’t see home for a week, tells me otherwise.

Why me?


Goodbye Dave…

Since almost my first post, you guys have heard about Dave. He’s great. He’s dreamy. He’s way out of my reach. Blah, blah, blah…

Well, ever since the day that I was told that he thought I had a crush on him (I still don’t know how he figure it out) but I’ve reevaluated my crush. It’s not gonna go anywhere. He obviously doesn’t like me back. And, besides being cute and good at sports, he has nothing to offer me. He’s not brilliant. His love for Disney doesn’t rival mine. He doesn’t read for fun. We have very, very little in common. I came to this conclusion awhile ago but I didn’t wanna write about it until I was positive. And after yesterday, I am positive that my crush is dead.

I was in the library when he walked in. It was the day before Spring Break and crunch time to get scholarships in for all the seniors. Well, I ignored him at first, I didn’t wanna seem too eager. But then we got to talking. I let him know about him leaving his jacket in math class and he replied that he had done that once before with his letterman jacket. The teacher had threaten to auction it off. (Here comes the awkward part…) My response was that he might have been able to get a couple bids on it. I immediately turned around and shifted my attention to something else. Thankfully, he didn’t seem too weirded out by it since he continued to talk to me afterwards. But it was a close call.

As I was walking back to class, I realized that I hadn’t thought of him in any other way than as a friend during the whole conversation. My crush had been tested and it is busted. I’m a free girl. For now…

Quote Crazy

You can tell a lot about a person by the quotes that they like. Are they, Humorous? Eloquent? Educational? Chances are, the style of quotations reflect their personality.

I was given a journal back in middle school by Ray. It’s a beautiful journal but I could never find something that I wanted to immortalize with it. Until a couple weeks ago, it was just sitting on my shelving looking pretty. Then, out of the blue, I saw its potential. A place to record the hundreds of quotes that I unearth on the Internet and in my reading that I never know what to do with. For a long time, I’ve been obsessed with quotes and the beauty that they contain. Coincidentally, I’ve always wanted to amass a collection of well-used, well-loved journals. Finally, I can combine the two into the most amazing tool ever, A Quote Book.

I figure, whenever I get upset or frustrated or depressed, I can flip open my quote book and read through the inspiration that I’ve catalogued. There’s no code, no system, no organizing. It’s just a mess of quotes that I like. I don’t have to have a specific pen to write. I don’t have to follow a pattern or format. None of that’s important, as long as the words are there.

Elastic Friends

You consistent readers know that I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t make friends easily but when I do, I do my best to keep them. Here’s the story of one of my oldest friends…

I’m hoping that I’m safe to share this since he never reads my blog. Here goes nothing.

In elementary school, I met this boy. Let’s call him Ray. Well, Ray wasn’t one of my best friends during those early years. He never came to a birthday party or hung out with me. But when it came to activities, he was always there for me. We were even in sign language club together for a period of time.

Fast forward a couple years to middle school. This is where it gets messy. He liked me. I liked him as a brother but was naive and “dated” him anyways. We texted all the time and went to a dance together but we also fought a lot. Gone was our happy, carefree relationship. It was rough. It’s one of the reasons middle school was such a hard time for me.

Then came high school. His mom got remarried and they decided to move to a different school district. We didn’t leave things on good terms. Honestly, I never expected to speak to him again. And for about a year and a half, I didn’t. Then, one day, he texted me. The problem was, I was in a relationship with someone who knew my and Ray’s past. He had lived through it and had to deal with the aftermath. So he didn’t want us talking. And I may have gone against his wishes a couple times. Not the smartest choice, I know, but I could tell that Ray had changed. Eventually, when my boyfriend found out that I wasn’t following my promise, it acted as the catalyst for our break-up. Don’t worry, it had been coming for a while.

Well the rest of the year passed without much drama. Then I got the news, Ray was moving back. Suddenly, I was nervous. I didn’t know how to act around him after all these years. Texting was one thing but face-to-face interaction scared the living daylights out of me. I avoided him for most of my junior and senior year. We talked when needed and texted a couple times but nothing that really reinstated us as good friends.

That was until a two weeks ago. I don’t know what made me do it (maybe loneliness) but one night, I texted him. Just out of the blue. And to my shock, we started talking like all those middle school years hasn’t existed. We were just two friends that wanted each other to be happy. And let me tell you, I missed him.

So long story short, I reconnected with a old friend this month. And it’s one of my favorite choices of this year.

I think of Ray as an elastic friend. Like a rubber band, you can stretch it and it will come back to you. But if you stretch it too far or too often, it can break. The same happens if it gets too old or has a weak spot.

Thankfully, Ray and my friendship rubber band is still in good shape and I’m hoping it stays that way for a long time. He’s one of those friends that you could never replace. And I hope I never have to…

I challenge you to reevaluate your life. Scroll through your contacts. Flip through a photo album. Is there someone that you miss? Reconnect with them while you still can. Regret is one of the worst things in life. It doesn’t matter if there is history there. Take the leap. Hopefully, you’ll find some open arms at the bottom.

Sting of Rejection

It’s getting to be that time of year when all the colleges decide whether to accept or reject the seniors who poured their heart and soul into essay after essay. And I’m no exception.

I applied to 16 colleges. I know, you’re thinking, 16? but I had trouble making up my mind on where I wanted to end up. I’d rather apply to too many than always wonder what if?

Anyways, I’ve heard back from 12 colleges so far with only two of those being rejections. That’s good, right? I guess. But when you look at the colleges that decided they didn’t want me, Washington University in St. Louis and University of Notre Dame, the distinction is evident. These two schools are top ranked in the nation. And so are the rest of the schools I have left to hear back from are too. How am I supposed to get into a number one school when the number two school rejected me? I guess I’ll find out as the week goes on but the wait will be tortuous.

To make things more complicated, these rejections have made me undermine the incredible things that I have accomplished. I got into DePauw’s Honor Scholars Program. I received acceptance AND a scholarship to Brandeis University. These things weren’t handed to me. I worked hard for them and I can’t forget that.

So no matter what happens this week, no matter how many colleges turn their noses up at me, I will remember all that I have accomplished and stay positive. Who knows, good things could be just around the corner!

Badge of Stubbornness

WARNING! I am on some strong pain killers and blame any errors, misspellings, or mistakes of any kind on the pills. That is all.

Some might say that I’m stubborn. Others say stupid or bullheaded or ridiculous.

All are true on most days and usually it’s something that I shy away from. But today, I wear it like a badge. I am stubborn and I’m proud of it.

Why? You ask. I’ll tell you. Yesterday, I had surgery on my knee. I’ve been having problems with it since August and hadn’t gotten a chance to fix it until recently. So I got it taken care of yesterday. But seeing as how it was the middle of the week, I refused to miss more days after being absent yesterday. This morning I pulled myself off the couch (since I normally sleep on the top bunk and couldn’t get into my bed) and got ready for school. It took a while to convince my mom to let me go, but she relented and sent me off.

My right leg (aka my dominant leg) is wrapped in gauze from my toes to mid-thigh. This meant that I had to use crutches to get around today. And that’s the choice I regret the most. After a whole day (yes, I lasted the whole day!), I was considering butt-scooting to my classes. My arms were jelly, my hips extremely sore, and my hands bruised. I was swerving on my crutches like a drunk person. But I survived! Everyone didn’t think that I could do it but I did! (I understand why no sane person comes back the day after surgery though…)

One of my nurses from yesterday called today while I was at school. My mother explained why I couldn’t come to the phone and the nurse was very impressed. But I’m sure she would have scolded me had she been able to get ahold of me.

So long story short, my stubbornness is something that I am proud of today. I may not be able to move right now but I stuck to what was important to me. I wanted to go to school and I didn’t let anyone stop me. And I blew people out of the water with my can-do attitude.

The question is — how do I do it again tomorrow?