Brain Mush

I’ve made through half of the first trimester. Only 5 more halves before the end of the year. I’m sure I can do it. If my brain will clear from the boy fog. Boy?! you say. Yes but not in the sense that you are thinking. No, I do not have a boyfriend, nor am I any closer than I was a year ago. I’ve just been thinking about one boy in particular a lot. You guys remember Dave? The tall cute guy from “Written in the Stars”? Well he’s who I’m talking about.

I went and saw him play last weekend (and I am purposely leaving out what sport). One of my friends accompanied me and on the way home we got talking. Ever since that car ride, I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. Every single story I think of, he worms his way into. I can’t focus in class or at home. It’s ridiculous. The conversation gave me hope. She told me that she thought we would make a cute couple, which I think we would but will probably never get the chance. That’s the sad thing. That no matter how much I think about him, I have no way of finding out if he thinks about me.

Which makes Friday even better. Dave and I share one class with each other right now. During that class on Friday, I proved the teacher wrong and was able to get our class an extra point on a quiz. When I looked up to gauge kids’ reaction to the news, I found Dave looking at me. And smiling! As my friend described it, he has a shy smile. One of thoses that makes you feel incredibly special to be on the recieving end of. Well since we sit across the room from each other, we couldn’t really talk so we had a conversation by mouthing words, gesturing and smiling. Confession time. I have no idea what he said! I feel really bad about it but my responses made him laugh. It wasn’t until after the day was over that I thought of emailing him to find out what he had said but by then it was too late. I was just left to drown in my giddiness and later, self-doubt.

I’ve had a crush on him since I first met him in elementary school. We didn’t even go to the same school until halfway through middle school. But I thought he was cute the whole time. After attending the same school we shared snippets of conversations. Small chitchat that probably didn’t mean anything to him but it meant the world to me. Pathetic, I know. The mouthed conversations started in high school, with a few side by side convos thrown in there at varying rates. They always make my day. But when I can’t get a conversation, I settle for eye contact. We probably make eye contact half a dozen times a class period almost every day. He probably thinks I’m crazy. Even I think I’m crazy as I write this.

I don’t know. I just feel like there’s a reason I’ve suffered through this “crush” for almost 8 years. And trust me, I’ve tried to shake it. I’ve tried very hard and every time I think I’m finally done with him, he comes back into my mind when I let my guard down. I guess I just have to suffer through it for another school year and then let time and space do it’s job. It would be nice to have a distraction in the meantime. Its a little hard to focus on Chemistry when all I can think of stories where I’m not just looking at him from across the room. In them, I have the guts to finally do something about my crush. Sadly that isn’t real life and I’m too scared to be turned down. Plus, I have no idea how to strike up a friendship with a guy. Let’s face it. I’m hopeless and sadly enough, I’m okay with it. I get some of the best writing material I’ve had in a while without even having to try.


“A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities.” -J.R.R. Tolkien


1 Comment

  1. Have you watched Romantics Anonymous yet? You should. This post would fit right into the plot line. 😉

    p.s. I had a crazy crush like that in high school, by the way. And now he’s married with 4 kids. And I have Mickey and Felix. Things work out — I promise.

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